and here we are again.

let's talk about my weight.  again.  or i'll talk and you listen.  either way, i need to get this out.  for my benefit--not yours.

i had a revelation in the shower today.  sorry about that visual, but it's honesty 101 time.  i will never ever ever be a person who doesn't need to worry about her weight.  i will never be the person who is able to casually eat a piece of pizza or a slice of cake without worrying about how it will affect her weight.  never.  and that's okay.  it's just who i am.  i am one of the unlucky ones who must exercise regularly and worry about calories in order to achieve/maintain a healthy weight.  i'll never be what people refer to as a "skinny fat" person.  i'll be a fat fatty if i don't do those two things.  there.  i own it.  now i need to change it.

that being said, i have had a really crappy past two-ish weeks.  it has left me asking myself: why the hell are my emotions so closely tied to my eating habits???  i just don't get it.  i am not an overly emotional person, but my binging habits would suggest i'm an emotional train wreck.  something happened two weeks ago (and i honestly have no idea what it is.  i'm still trying to figure it out) that triggered my "eff it" mentality and somehow sidetracked me from my ultimate goal: weight loss.  all last week i told myself "it's okay.  you'll get back on track this week."  and then buried my face in a cheeseburger.  mother trucker.

but no more.  this is recommitment week.  this is three healthy meals per day week.  this is tracking all of my food week.  this is going to the gym 4 times week.  this is no eating out week (crap--which reminds me--i forgot to thaw the salmon this morning--eff!).  if i don't nip my craptastic habits in the bud now, those 26.5 pounds that i have worked so hard to lose will creep back quickly.  and some of them already have.  

so here's where i stand.  i got back on the scale this morning.  i have gained 4.5 pounds over the past two weeks.  my current weight loss is 22 pounds.  which sounds so tiny to me compared to 26.5.  but whatever.  i'm done letting that overall number get smaller.   

to answer your question, yes, i am wearing a gigantic sweater so i can cover my food baby.  thank you for asking.

this ends today.  i never want to write another one of these failure entries.  and i'm sure you're sick of reading them.

here we go again.