my beef with breaking dawn.

spoiler alert: i talk about breaking dawn in this post. if you haven't read the book, shame on you. if you have read the book, this post doesn't give away anything that you didn't already know, so read on.

yes, i like the twilight series. but that's because i love anything that is surrounded by hype. i love hype. almost as much as i love salt.

so it's no surprise i was excited to see breaking dawn yesterday. yes, i liked the movie. but this is not a rant about the cinematic execution of the movie. rather, this post is a rant about three things that i could not stop thinking about throughout the movie.

annoyance #1:

everyone knows that the cullens are loaded. i mean, c'mon, just look at their house.

bella and edward's wedding rivals that of a kardashian. their wedding cake is taller than me. and wider, which is really saying something. bella's wedding dress is probably worth a small fortune. which is fine with me. if people want to drop a small fortune on their wedding, i totally support it.

however, if you have a vampire fortune to spend on a vampire/human wedding, please, whatever you do, spring for some invitations that match the grandeur of the wedding.

do NOT purchase the equivelant of the target DIY invitations that you print off your effing HP printer...

y'all know i love me my target, but these invitations are like wearing a tube top and showing whale tail at the inaugural ball. you just don't do it. if you are a cullen, you douse those suckers with diamonds and, like, sprinkle them with the dust of crushed unicorn horn. duh.

annoyance #2

if you are not familiar with how vampirism works, vampires cannot sleep. so that means they have a lot of extra time on their hands. and vampires are, like, super strong. if this is the case, why the eff does edward have to hire a housecleaning service to dispose of his broken bed after his, um, passionate honeymoon boots knockin' with bella?

c'mon, edward. it would take you, literally, 5 seconds to haul the broken bed out to the curb yourself. and you're a vampire. which makes you much stronger and more able-bodied than the poor, old brazilian man that you hired to dispose of your mess. that's just lazy and rude. and don't you know that ladies like a strong man who's willing to get his hands dirty and do some heavy lifting? it's not like you don't have anything better to do during the 8 hours bella is asleep at night. man up, edward.

annoyance #3

bella is kind of a sloot and always wants to get it on with edward. edward is always whiny and says 'no' because he doesn't want to hurt bella. which i get because he's totally super strong.

but.

how come edward doesn't have any sort of reservations when it comes to administering CPR to bella? yeah yeah yeah, i know, she's dying. i get it. people will do anything to save their soul mate when said soul mate is dying from a vampire-pregnancy-gone-wrong. but c'mon, you guys! CPR?! that's like the equivalent of an elephant stepping on an egg without breaking it. it's just not going to happen. if edward administers CPR, shouldn't his hands bust right through bella's chest and come out of her back? especially since all of her ribs were already busted by the baby pseudo-vampire? c'mon, edward, use your head.

to summarize:

1) splurge on the fancy wedding invitations if you have the money.
2) don't hire out to clean up your sexy mess.
3) vampire CPR should probably do more harm than good.